A Few Thoughts This Holiday Season

Hi friends. 

Perhaps you’ve noticed that I’ve been absent on here for a while and thought maybe I was traveling or just busy with the holidays. Sadly, I’ve been missing because in the beginning of November my husband, best friend, and favorite human departed this world, leaving me shattered. Life as I’ve known it is over and I am in a constant state of readjustment, shock and grief. His death has sent me into a swirling black hole that feels all-consuming. Most days it feels impossible just to muster the energy to exist, and be the person my beloved dog Schroeder and cat Hobbes need me to be. 

I’m taking time to write a post because writing is therapeutic for me, and because at this moment in time I have some insights I want to share with you. 

Here are a few reminders this holiday:

1 The gift of TIME. At this time of year it’s impossible to go anywhere without someone talking about the PERFECT GIFT. The advertisements for the perfect gift are relentless. But guess what? The perfect gift doesn’t exist, or rather, you cannot find the “perfect” gift in a store. The perfect gift does not exist. The best thing you can ever give someone, now and ever, is your TIME. Take your loved ones out for dinner, to play miniature golf, to a show, to paint pottery, on a trip, or something else you can do together. Instead of buying some material object, give the gift of your time. Stop wasting your money to find what doesn’t exist! 

2. Kindness matters. You never know what other people are going through and this time of year is difficult for many of us who have lost loved ones and are now facing the holidays alone. Always, always, always be kind– to the checkout person at the grocery store, the waiter at the restaurant, the fellow driver in the car beside you on the highway. If someone seems distant, or rude, or quiet, don’t assume the worst about them. Maybe they just learned their husband, wife, daughter, son, brother, sister, or best friend died. Maybe they are just sad, or lonely, or working three jobs to make ends meet. Kindness is a gift that costs nothing and goes a long way. Spread it like confetti everywhere you go. 

3. Don’t ignore the death of someone! This should be obvious, but you’d be amazed at the number of people who I’ve said to, “My husband died,” only to have them go on with the conversation as if I said the sky is blue. It’s true that we sometimes don’t know what to say when faced with someone who has just lost a loved one, but that’s okay. It’s better to try, than to pretend nothing happened and not even acknowledge the elephant in the room. When you learn someone has died, say with genuine kindness, “I’m sorry for your loss.” or “I know that must be difficult.” or “I’m holding you close and sending/offering/giving/wishing you strength.” Acknowledge the loss rather than ignoring it! Saying you don’t know what to say but that you care is better than pretending everything is okay when it’s obviously not. 

4.I suspect I’ll take some flack for this, but please for the love of god, stop automatically saying to people everywhere “How are you?” I know that this is just something people say to each other when they greet each other, and it’s just like saying hello. I also know most people don’t feel this way and just treat the words as “Hello.” but still. My personal opinion is that it’s an unnecessary comment, and something I choose NOT to use.

When someone asks me this, I KNOW they don’t REALLY want me to answer honestly, and that’s why I hate it so much! I understand that other people don’t think the way I do. They may say I’m too sensitive. Or too honest. Or too whatever. Even so, I still advocate for not using this automatic phrase.

Do you really care? Do you really want to know how they are? Do you really have time to listen? If the answers are no, then consider NOT asking. When people ask me this everywhere I go right now at this moment in my life, I am forced to lie. Because I am not good. I am not well. I am not anything other than shattered. I’m in a living hell that most people don’t want to know about. It’s exhausting, lying every time someone ask how I am.  My husband just died! I’m alone in the world! I feel like my arm has been cut off! I’m shattered, suffering, heartbroken… In my humble opinion, a better choice is to either not ask anything at all– or ask a different question– not rote, such as “Anything good happen in your day yet?” or “How’s your day going?” or “What’s one thing you’re looking forward to?” or “Has anything funny that happened to you recently?” Anything is better than the un-genuine “How are you?” Of course, if you DO care and you DO want to know, then by all means, go ahead and ask someone “How are you?” But please, be ready then to listen to the answer.

5. Never underestimate the power of a hug. Sometimes when words fall short, we can always offer a hug. Now that my husband is no longer in my life, present every single day to buoy me up and stand on my side, the world is a different place. I know I’m not the only one struggling at this time of year. Even if someone’s loved one passed away many years ago, the holidays still bring a prick of sadness and loneliness, knowing that person is not beside you in the world anymore. When it feels like you have nothing left to give, remember that a hug is a priceless gift. It never runs out, needs to be recharged, costs anything, and best of all, you get to reap the benefits too. When in doubt, offer a hug.

6. Don’t delay in telling people how you feel about them. Look, life is unpredictable. We can never know when a loved one will disappear from our lives. Tell the ones you care about how you feel. NOW. Don’t delay. Say the words every single day. “I love you,” “I care about you,” “I’m glad you’re in my life.” “Thank you.” Life has a way of quietly passing by until all of a sudden, one day you wake up and discover someone special to you has died. Then it’s too late, and you can never reverse time. Tell them now! Tell them now, tell them now. 

What reminders would you like to add? 

May your holidays be filled with all the things that make you happy–time with friends and family, good health and lots of moments worth celebrating with special people in your life.

You can read Joe’s obituary here, or watch the slide show I put together to celebrate his life.